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Second Spouse
Finding a true mate the second time around seems to be a common thread these days. Almost like we have a practice run with a first marriage and get all kinks out before we find the "right" one. Marriages created from divorce bring about a whole secondary set of problems, including trying to be different than a previous spouse, dealing with a previous spouse or having the complications of children. But many second marriages are created from loss of a previous mate, which leaves behind memories that can overlap into a new life. Either way the past does serve to haunt the present situation and while many can move on and appear to be past the point of caring it just does not work. For somewhere in the heart there was love for the previous mate and that just simply does not go away, yes anger can cover up the basic feeling but it does not erase it. Especially if there are children involved as they are a daily reminder of what was. So how do we get past the past? But beginng a totally NEw LIFE, not replacing the old one. Start out with your new mate of a note of complete honesty and go from there, do not try and make you new spouse into a better version of the old one. Any new mate is going to want to be accepted and recognized for their own achievements and actions not for "fiting into" your idea of a new and remodeled spouse. Obviously you have both been through relationships and the point of starting over with a new commitment of marriage is to create a new and different life. The down fall of most relationships is lack of communication or fear that you will loose your spouse if you speak your mind. Set time aside to discuss together things you like an ddislike, it does not have to be in the form of a demand as so often happens when we hold it inside and it comes out in anger. Just like setting aside time for date night, boys or girls night or alone time, set aside time to communicate and agree upon common ground for you both. And remember it is just as important to listen to your mate as it is to tell them your n=own needs. We can choose to begin a new life or replace an old one, the choice is yours and only you can make it. The ghosts of the past will always remain but if you face them with an open mind, heart and attitude, your need life can be great. |
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May, 2012
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